Agapē

A Definition of Love (Agapē)

We might begin by distinguishing the four Greek words for love that have been the subject of volumes since the time of Plato: storge, philia, eros, and agapē.^[2] Storge may be translated as affection. It is a spontaneous emotional response to someone or something we find to be outwardly lovable, delightful, or cute. Children immediately elicit affection (when they are in a good mood). The smile of a cherished friend or even a pet can elicit this spontaneous emotional response. This response can be quite fleeting or, in the case of parents, enduring. It is fundamentally emotional, lacks depth, does not necessarily result in action or commitment, and may not elicit the same response from others. It is dependent upon mood, and a perception of the lovableness, delightfulness, cuteness, or need of another. As will be seen, agapē is quite different from affection. Though affection may accompany agapē, agapē is not dependent on it.

Philia (friendship) expects mutuality or reciprocity, and when it occurs it is open to various degrees of commitment and depth. So, for example, if I commit myself more to my friend (perhaps through time, shared concern, physical energy, psychic energy, or even my future) it acts as an invitation to my friend to make a commitment on a similar level back to me. If reciprocal commitment occurs, the friendship grows in depth. This depth reaches its natural limit only when both parties have committed themselves totally to each other, but depth can increase only as much as each party is willing to reciprocate.

A certain state of being occurs conjointly with increased depth of friendship. There is a sense of caring and being cared for, a sense of being completed by the other and completing the other, a sense of being at home through the other and the other being at home through oneself, a sense of intimate connection which carries with it a sense of stability and well being. Feelings of alienation (not being at home in the world or with oneself) can be alleviated. This degree of connection requires considerable sensitivity and work, and therefore might be punctuated with lapses giving rise to disruption, outbursts, frustration, and even dashed expectations.

Notice that philia has an in-built reward. I like being cared for by, committed to, completed through, and at home with the other. Even though my participation in the friendship requires effort and discipline, the friendship yields an essential benefit and reward. I am not saying that one pursues friendships merely for the reward; one can pursue them out of the recognition of the goodness of the other, that is, out of a sense of natural attraction and generosity. Nevertheless, the reward is there and it is intrinsic to the mutuality of friendship. Agapē is different from friendship in this last respect.

Eros is concerned with the romantic, and the romantic is concerned with gender difference, complementarity in that difference, libidinal or sexual feelings, the apperception of beauty/desirability, and a sense of adventure amidst it all. Naturally, eros may be accompanied by storge and philia. When it is accompanied by an ever deepening philia, it leads to exclusive commitment. Romantic feelings can drive philia to deeper and deeper reciprocity, while this deeper reciprocity gives meaning, a sense of “home,” and a sense of mutual completion to the romantic feelings of eros. As philia drives eros and eros drives philia, a couple eventually arrives at a point where they cannot increase their commitment to one another any further. At this point, they have made one another their number one priority. Since one cannot have more than one number one priority (logically), the combination of eros and philia ends up being exclusive (i.e., unrepeatable with another), as happens in marriage.

If eros is not combined with philia, and as a consequence becomes an end in itself, it can become quite reckless and aggressive, because the couple will try to seek the satisfaction of the deepest imaginable philia through romantic sensibilities alone. When romantic sensibilities fade (as they must, because by themselves they cannot produce a totally committed philia), impatience, frustration, and even aggression can result. Libidinal or romantic feelings alone are not sufficient for the discipline, work, commitment, reciprocity, and resultant mutual care which is intrinsic to totally committed philia. When eros is not connected to totally committed philia, it is generally the source of great pain, emptiness, disillusionment, and aggression. As will be seen, agapē can be involved in the connection between philia and eros, but it does not need to be accompanied by philia or eros; it can stand quite alone.

We may now proceed to the subject of this section, namely, agapē. Agapē may be initially defined as the kind of love which does not require feelings of affection (storge), the mutuality of philia (being cared for, committed to, complemented by, and at home with the other), or the romantic/libidinal feelings of eros. Agapē does not require a feeling, reward, or a return (mutuality). It is a love which arises out of an empathetic recognition of and connection with the unique, intrinsic dignity, goodness, and mystery of the other. The unique, intrinsic dignity of the other may be captured in a benevolent glance, a conversation, or a sense of the other’s unique presence. Once captured, it provokes an awareness of the intrinsic value, worth, or goodness of the other, and this, in its turn, provokes a desire to help, protect, and enhance this intrinsically valuable, good, mysterious other. A connection, a unity, then forms, whereby doing the good for that unique other is just as easy if not easier than doing the good for oneself. Notice that when the unity occurs, one will naturally work for the good of the other without feelings of affection, for awareness of the unique, intrinsic goodness and value of the other does not depend on the perception of delightfulness, cuteness, or adorableness. Similarly, this awareness does not depend on the anticipation of mutuality (being cared about or committed to by the other). Finally, this awareness does not depend on romantic feelings arising out of a perception of beauty/desirability. It depends only on an empathetic connection with the unique, intrinsic goodness, value, and mystery of the other.

Human beings have a most remarkable capability – we can become directly aware of the unique dignity and value of another through an act of empathy. We can even become directly aware of the unique transcendental and eternal value of the other. This remarkable capacity enables us to connect with the intrinsic goodness of the other, giving rise to the desire to help, protect, and enhance the other solely because of her intrinsic value, that is, who she is in herself. This desire does not need affection, mutuality, or romantic feelings in order to arise. There need be nothing in it for me. The intrinsic value of the other (pure and simple) is sufficient to make agapē occur. Once it occurs, a unity arises, whereby doing the good for the other is just as easy (if not easier) than doing the good for myself.

This capability to connect directly with the intrinsic goodness of another is the source of compassion, forgiveness, self-sacrificial love, and care for the marginalized. Agapē’s independence from the rewards of the other three kinds of love enables it to be the source of these four special qualities.

For example, it would be virtually impossible to forgive another if one has to have affectionate or romantic feelings for the one in need of forgiveness. Feelings of affection and romance are generally absent from such occasions. Similarly, the sense of mutuality is likely to be at its low point when the need for forgiveness is high. Therefore, forgiveness has to spring from a direct connection with the unique, intrinsic, transcendental worth of the other, which makes the well being of that other desirable in itself.

The same can be said for compassion (suffering with another). When others are in need of compassion, they are generally in states of weakness and vulnerability. As such, they do not tend to provoke feelings of delight or cuteness. Neither do they provoke romantic feelings. Similarly, they are less capable of responding with deep mutuality because their needs probably exceed their capacity to give at that time. Something else must motivate the desire to be compassionate. Once again, the motivator appears to be the direct empathetic connection with the unique, intrinsic dignity, goodness, and mystery of the other which makes the well-being of the other (irrespective of the other’s capacity to look good or respond) intrinsically desirable.

The same can be seen with self-sacrificial love and sympathy for the marginalized. Marginalized people generally provoke little affection or romantic feelings. Their vulnerability means that they are almost incapable of responding with deep reciprocity. Again, it is the direct connection with their unique, intrinsic, transcendental dignity, value, and mystery which provokes one to see the tragedy in the common underestimation of their worth and mystery, and so concomitantly provokes one to work for their well being as if it were an intrinsically desirable objective. In brief, agapē is an unselfish form of love provoked by the intrinsic dignity, goodness, and mystery of the other, which is directly apprehendable in a moment of empathy.

Acts of agapē produce joy for both the giver and the receiver. One might cynically say that the giver’s joy is nothing more than egocentricity (“I feel so much more messianic today after stooping down to help this poor wretch.” Or “I feel so much better about my life after seeing and alleviating the inferiority of this other’s life.”). However, anyone who has genuinely entered into an act of agapē knows that the “joy” of agapē is not an egocentric, contemptuous, or even comparative kind of joy. Rather, it is the joy of knowing that a “little eternity” was not subject to ruin, or that that “little eternity” was vouchsafed into her eternity, or that the world was preserved from a tragic loss. When one gazes into the face of the other and picks up the “gem of great price” and is able to make the gem shine for the benefit of itself and all those around it, one instinctively feels joy in actualizing that individual’s (and the world’s) inestimable positivity.

Thus, agapē produces an authentic happiness arising out of positivity and enhancement for the intrinsically dignified “little eternities” who deserve this positivity in and of themselves. It is a recognition that they are worth love in themselves, and I am happy that their worthiness has been recognized and actualized (if only in a very finite way). Notice that I am not happy that “their worthiness has been actualized through me,” but rather, that “their worthiness has been actualized in and of itself.”

This joy of agapē is therefore contingent upon real humility and detachment from ego and all of its feelings (anger, resentment, vengeance, harboring of grudges, contempt, pursuit of comparative advantage, and fear of ego-deprivation). This “precious detachment” so essential to human growth, happiness, and even joy (and so necessary for justice, peace, and the common good) may well require help from Unconditional Agapē. For this reason, faith could well be integral to the fruition and optimization of agapē. If it is, then faith is also essential to the meaning, purpose, and fruition of every human being.

In sum, agapē holds out the promise of completeness in fulfillment, creativity, unity with others, human community, individual transcendentality, and even interpersonal transcendentality. It cannot be grasped through concepts alone, for it has contents that can only be revealed through human intuition, feeling, and desire (i.e., the domain of the heart), through concrete experiences of the lovability of others and the limiting nature of one’s ego, through human suffering, and through worship and God’s self-revelation.